Michael Bay gets a lot of shit for his work, but is it really justified? Most mainstream critics, would like to take his camera and C-4 away for good. The late, great Roger Ebert was quite vocal in his dismay for many of Bay’s movies. As I write this only one of his movies is “Certified Fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes. But even with all that critical bashing, I can’t lie to myself, Michael Bay is one of our generation’s best directors. If critics can’t see that, then perhaps the stoner community can. After all Michael Bay movies are the equivalent to cinematic drugs. They all provide a visceral high and a dazzling visual experience. Rather than bitch and moan about his filmmaking style, I think that it's important to embrace the bigness his movies provide. He has an eye for movement and color, the images in his movies flow like ecstasy. Many (if not all) argue that there's no subtance to his work, but his movies are about something. What that something may be, is harder to decipher than the final minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey, but he is able to put some (note: some) subtlety into his work.
In regards to his own films Bay has famously stated:
“I make movies for teenage boys. Oh dear what a crime.”
That statement, he pretty much confirms his target audience: Stoners.
With the title announcement of his upcoming sequel, Transformers: Age of Extinction and after multiple bong-fueled viewings of his newly released, Pain & Gain in the last week with friends, I decided to rank his films in my personal preference and the film's Trippiest Moment.
10. Bad Boys
One would be tempted to call Michael Bay’s first feature Bad Boys, an unofficial remake of every single ’80s Buddy Cop movie ever. Its’ an extremely formulaic action movie that is boosted by the chemistry of Will Smith & Martin Lawrence and Bay’s visual style. The plot unfolds exactly as you imagine it will and there aren't many surprises (the excessive insanity of the sequel changes up the formula a bit). But, most importantly the action beats are fun, the Hangar Climax is the highlight. Here Bay is merely spreading his wings in a solid feature film debut.
Trippiest Moment: At the peak of the Hangar Climax our wounded heroes go on a high speed pursuit on a runway to chase the bad guy. Pure Adrenaline.
9. The Island
Bay’s Biggest flop, The Island has a bad rap, but it has some good elements going for it; the Brave New World/Logan’s Run-dystopia premise is fun and intriguing, my twelfth grade english teacher even found it good enough to show to the class. The action, while not as epic as his other films, is pretty strong,Train Wheels! Ewan McGregor has some fun scenes where he plays both Lincolns. And Sean Bean gets a nice Sean Bean death. And to Bay’s credit, he captures Scarlett Johansson’s beauty without over-exploiting it. There isn't much more to say about The Island, except that it is a thoughtful and at times beautiful action flick, that gets really fascinating but never forgets that its just an action flick. I say give it a shot
Trippiest Moment: In the opening sequence we are treated to protagonist Lincoln Six-Echo's beautiful dream on a boat with a stunningly shot Scarlett-Jo. It quickly escalates into nightmare territory before Lincoln trippily wakes up in his bed.

In regards to his own films Bay has famously stated:
“I make movies for teenage boys. Oh dear what a crime.”
That statement, he pretty much confirms his target audience: Stoners.
With the title announcement of his upcoming sequel, Transformers: Age of Extinction and after multiple bong-fueled viewings of his newly released, Pain & Gain in the last week with friends, I decided to rank his films in my personal preference and the film's Trippiest Moment.
Trippiest Moment: At the peak of the Hangar Climax our wounded heroes go on a high speed pursuit on a runway to chase the bad guy. Pure Adrenaline.
Trippiest Moment: In the opening sequence we are treated to protagonist Lincoln Six-Echo's beautiful dream on a boat with a stunningly shot Scarlett-Jo. It quickly escalates into nightmare territory before Lincoln trippily wakes up in his bed.
8. Pearl Harbor
When I was six years old, Pearl Harbor was one of the greatest movies I had ever seen. It had everything; action, romance, heroes,and lots of planes. Hell, even my grandmother loved it, she even had a husband who survived the surprise attack. It was a nostalgia trip for her and it was an exciting movie experience for me that was incomparable at the time. In later years, I discovered the internet and learned that Pearl Harbor was a notorious critical flop, I couldn’t understand it, I mean its’ like Titanic for dudes... Guy-tanic?
Well I’m much older now and yeah Pearl Harbor is not one of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen, but it is pretty much the movie that critics slammed it as, but its’ true value lies in how beautifully hokey it all is. This movie is not about the people who died at Pearl Harbor, this movie is barely even about World War II. Pearl Harbor is actually about three war movie caricatures that just seem to Forrest Gump their sorry asses through the Battle of Britain, the Attack on Pearl Harbor and the Doolittle Raid. It's more of a "Greatest-Hits" collection of some events preceding major American involvement in the great war. The dramatic chain of events that unfold in an around the action with the Affleck/Beckinsale/Hartnett love triangle is as bafflingly brilliant as Bay has ever done. Each startling revelation feels like a cliche just kicked you in the dick and fucked your best friend while you are rolling on the floor in disbelief. The historical context in this movie is as present as that guy that was always tardy in tenth grade history class.
The action sequences are masterfully done. The attack on Pearl Harbor is handled respectfully. Bay shows the horror and confusion of the battle and Hans Zimmer's score really makes transcends the pain and scope of this defining moment in our history... And then our heroes enter their planes and the movie enters into full on action-mode and undercuts all horror and tension. The men in the waters, treading for their lives suddenly throw their arms up and cheer, while Zimmer's score gets all "Heroic". It really was a huge miscalculation on Bay's part.
the movie's moments of unintentional humor make it an ironic spiritual prequel to Steven Spielberg’s 1941. Both films would make for an interesting double-feature. Pearl Harbor may be Michael Bay’s worst movie, but its’ a delicious guilty pleasure that is seriously guilty of something.
But even with all of this bashing, I can't bring myself to hate Pearl Harbor. In fact, watching it now, I can't help but feel a huge air of nostalgia. When it was released in May 2001, America was mush like how it was in the days preceding U.S. involvement in World War II. To put it simply we weren't expecting the dark days to come, and when we awoke that September morning our country was once again caught up in a state of shock and we were ready to take action against those who attacked us. If anything, Pearl Harbor is a reflection of the American attitude during times of tragedy and war, and in that regard there is some honesty to the film.
Trippiest Moment: In the film's most infamous shot, a Japanese bomber drops the bomb that sinks the U.S.S. Arizona. But being a Michael Bay film, he can't just show that, so the audience gets up close and personal with this bomb in a stunning P.O.V. shot, that follows the bomb hundreds of feet to its target.
Well I’m much older now and yeah Pearl Harbor is not one of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen, but it is pretty much the movie that critics slammed it as, but its’ true value lies in how beautifully hokey it all is. This movie is not about the people who died at Pearl Harbor, this movie is barely even about World War II. Pearl Harbor is actually about three war movie caricatures that just seem to Forrest Gump their sorry asses through the Battle of Britain, the Attack on Pearl Harbor and the Doolittle Raid. It's more of a "Greatest-Hits" collection of some events preceding major American involvement in the great war. The dramatic chain of events that unfold in an around the action with the Affleck/Beckinsale/Hartnett love triangle is as bafflingly brilliant as Bay has ever done. Each startling revelation feels like a cliche just kicked you in the dick and fucked your best friend while you are rolling on the floor in disbelief. The historical context in this movie is as present as that guy that was always tardy in tenth grade history class.
The action sequences are masterfully done. The attack on Pearl Harbor is handled respectfully. Bay shows the horror and confusion of the battle and Hans Zimmer's score really makes transcends the pain and scope of this defining moment in our history... And then our heroes enter their planes and the movie enters into full on action-mode and undercuts all horror and tension. The men in the waters, treading for their lives suddenly throw their arms up and cheer, while Zimmer's score gets all "Heroic". It really was a huge miscalculation on Bay's part.
the movie's moments of unintentional humor make it an ironic spiritual prequel to Steven Spielberg’s 1941. Both films would make for an interesting double-feature. Pearl Harbor may be Michael Bay’s worst movie, but its’ a delicious guilty pleasure that is seriously guilty of something.
But even with all of this bashing, I can't bring myself to hate Pearl Harbor. In fact, watching it now, I can't help but feel a huge air of nostalgia. When it was released in May 2001, America was mush like how it was in the days preceding U.S. involvement in World War II. To put it simply we weren't expecting the dark days to come, and when we awoke that September morning our country was once again caught up in a state of shock and we were ready to take action against those who attacked us. If anything, Pearl Harbor is a reflection of the American attitude during times of tragedy and war, and in that regard there is some honesty to the film.
Trippiest Moment: In the film's most infamous shot, a Japanese bomber drops the bomb that sinks the U.S.S. Arizona. But being a Michael Bay film, he can't just show that, so the audience gets up close and personal with this bomb in a stunning P.O.V. shot, that follows the bomb hundreds of feet to its target.
7. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Holy fucking shit. I could just leave it at that, but it would be better to add some perspective of my feelings for Michael Bay's "most appalling cinematic crime". I was really fucking psyched for Transformers 2 in the summer of 2009. I eagerly waited for each trailer and purchased my tickets a month in advance and sat in my seat a few hours before the movie started just to get a good seat.That was such a long ass wait that by the time the movie came I was already pretty drained. It probably didn’t help my expectations that I had seen the headline for Roger Ebert’s infamous One Star review:
”Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments.” - Roger Ebert (June 23, 2009)
Then the lights dimmed, the shittiest set of movie trailers I had ever seen played (Has anyone ever heard of Aliens in the Attic?) then the movie started and it raged across the screen for a long ass time. And I left the theater feeling pretty fucked up. I had never felt so indifferent about a movie before. It was usually black or white, I'd like a movie or I'd hate it, there were never grey areas before that. I still can't explain my feelings from that first showing. Just try and remember your state of mind the first time you saw Transformers 2.
It's been four long years and I think I might know what went wrong. I couldn’t accept the undisciplined spectacle for what it was… Pure Fucking Insanity. It was just too much of everything; action, comic relief, LaBeouf-ness, random-ass what the fuck is that!? Space Bridges, Megan Fox running around the desert, those damn twins, robot balls, fucking robot heaven? It was just a huge overload. And the Pot Brownies that must have been laced with cocaine you can’t forget that.
In the years since its' release and after a few bowls of ganja, I look back with nostalgia and appreciate RoTF and its’ utter bat-shit gonzo-craziness. The whole film is so over the top and mind-numbing in its execution that it feels like a mescaline fueled journey from the mind of Hunter S. Thompson with acid-drenched robots: Where the Decepticon Roam, Fear and Loathing (and Blowing Shit Up) in Egypt? Tonally though this one’s all Bay, there’s no Spielberg hand holding the guy back. The Beard must have Space Bridged out of the development process, there's no ET-whimsiness here, this is less of a sequel to Transformers, and more of a younger equally immature cousin to Bad Boys II.
Apparently Spielberg proclaimed in a viewing for the film that it was, “Fucking Awesome!”. Whether you agree with that sentiment or not, understand that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is equal parts kick-ass, loud, stupid, explosive, colorful, annoying, offensive, sleek, shiny, trippy and its’ quite a trainwreck, but it’s made with absolute confidence and a "Fuck You, I do what I want!" swagger, and you just can’t ignore it as it destroys all reality around you.
Trippiest Moment: The whole thing is so fucking surreal, but I'll go with Robot Heaven. I remember sitting in the theater and the second Shia died, my brain was so fucked up from the preceding hours that I thought to myself "No fucking way, he's gonna go to some robot heaven shit and come back to life." In the context of the movie that made a lot of sense and it happened. Surreal and absurd, but unconventionally satisfying.
6. Bad Boys II
It seems appropriate that Bad Boys II is ranked back to back with Transformers 2, because they’re pretty much cinematic equals. They both represent Bay at his most unrestrained and dangerous. No fucks given, Bad Boys II is an incredible experience of bad taste. It’s the kind of movie that should have a warning label on it. Bad Boys featured two immature cops played by Smith and Lawrence who had just enough edge to be somewhat human and likable. In the time between the 1995 original and Bad Boys II, Miami Detectives, Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowery have mutated into absolute fucking psychopaths. Imagine American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman with a badge and you might be on to something. There’s an infamous scene where our protagonists verbally assault a teenage boy taking out Lawrence’s daughter. Smith pops out acting all fucked up and puts a gun in the poor kids’ face. It happens way the hell outta nowhere and is never brought up again or alluded to in anyway at all. The villain of the movie, Johnny Tapia is among the most blatant Tony Montana rip-offs ever.
The plot is almost exactly identical to the original film, which in turn was exactly identical to every '80s buddy cop movie. What elevates this movie above its' predecessor though is the uncompromised vision that Bay has for this movie. Bay isn’t holding back whatsoever; gunfights,horrible deaths, drugs, foul-language, homophobia, general disregard for the human race there’s even… rat sex. I can’t believe I just typed that but it’s in this fucking movie. Bad Boys II kicks your ass relentlessly for 148 minutes, if you are feeling any sense of morality while watching this please "Woo-Sah" and kickback. If you can submit yourself to the testosterone-filled, cartoony, chaotic realm that is Bad Boys II, then you are in for quite a ride.
Trippiest Moment: The camera exotically dances around a neon-smurf tint Ecstasy nightclub, where all the ravers are having the sexiest time. Be lit when you watch this scene. Be very, very lit.
5. Armageddon
Armageddon is in many ways the definitive Michael Bay movie. For one the first scene narrated by Charlton Heston is not only a giant explosion but THE giant explosion that killed the dinosaurs. Followed by a meteor shower that destroys New York City. And then Bruce Willis chases hot-head Ben Affleck with a shotgun on an oil rig for plowing his daughter played by Liv Tyler. This is all under the first ten minutes of the movie. Oh and another meteor the size of Texas is headed for earth and its gonna tear shit up.
The stakes have never been bigger in any Bay movie. And the whole movie has a breathless visceral edge brought on by the breakneck pacing and editing (I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if the editor was on cocaine). The whole movie is shamelessly silly, but beautifully done. I fucking love this movie. I think this is the first of Bay’s movies that I saw in a theater and I might’ve cried, hell I probably shit myself. Armageddon is infamously in The Criterion Collection, with that Bay can go home and fuck the prom queen.
Trippiest Moment: The opening scene mentioned above. With Heston's voice and Bay's visuals, you know immediately that you're in for a ride.
4. Transformers
After the financial disappointment of The Island, Bay needed something of a "comeback". He found that in Steven Spielberg's pet project Transformers, based on the Hasbro toyline and cartoon series. The whole movie seems to be at war with itself. And that's where the fascination lies in Transformers, it's a Michael Bay-Steven Spielberg movie, you can feel both styles at work; Shia LaBeouf's boy meets alien storyline hearkens back to ET, while the military storyline with Josh Duhamel and Tyrese is more up Bay's alley. It doesn't always mesh well, the pacing can seem a bit off at times and there is a lot of downtime in parts.
But it's still a lot of fun and one of the few films on this list that could be considered a bit... charming, actually. There's a genuine sense of awe throughout, just watch the scene when Sam sees Bumblebee in his true form. It's a moment of true wonder that is worthy of the Best of Spielberg, but it was done by Michael Bay. Transformers was a huge success, the biggest one in Bay's career at that point. The success allowed Bay to do whatever he wanted with future sequels. He is at his most restrained here, and it (mostly) works well. Spielberg really let the dog off the leash.
Trippiest Moment: The Autobots arriving to earth, it's a beautifully shot sequence, and a random character that you never see again even makes a reference to Bay's own Armageddon. Surreal.
3. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
With his first two Transformers movies, Bay proved he could recreate vintage Spielberg. The (mostly) well-liked first entry was very ET; there was a sense of discovery, adolesence, and you could walk out of the theater feeling happy and hyped up. The (mostly) hated second film was more 1941 Spielberg; just too fucking much of everything! And you walked out of the theater feeling like hammered shit. The third entry is Michael Bay's rebuttal. With Transformers 2, Bay was both the critical punching bag (20% on Rotten Tomatoes) and the man with the last laugh (over 800 million dollars worldwide). Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the ultimate defense of his work.
Every Bay Cliche is present, but "cranked up to 11". The comic relief is maximized, not only is Ken Jeong playing a crazy fuck in Sam's office, but Alan Tudyk is a kick-ass, gay manservant for the series' regular comic relief John Turturro, and John Malkovich plays Sam's awkward, bizarro boss, Bruce Brazos (the alliteration was not intended). The romantic subplot is even bigger, as underwear model Rosie Huntington-Whitely was cast as Sam's new love interest, who is here for one obvious reason (if you don't know why she's here, re-watch her first scene, if you still don't understand you have no dick) and she's decent enough and likable. The plot is more coherent than the second one, just as insane but more fun - The bots' were discovered on the moon-landing and kept hidden, there's more to it than that but I don't want to over-complicate things even more. The Action is among the finest that Bay has staged and it all culminates in the final hour in Chicago. There's no clear reason in the film why this final battle is in Chicago (the human bad guy lives there but that's it). Roger Ebert (him again?) of the Chicago-Sun Times questioned the location decision in yet another scathing review of Bay's work.
"The last hour involves a battle for the universe which for some reason is held at the corner of Michigan Avenue and Wacker Drive in Chicago. This battle is protracted mercilessly beyond all reason, at an ear-shattering sound level, with incomprehensible Autobots and Decepticons sliced up into spurts of action with no sense of the space they occupy." - Roger Ebert (June 28, 2011)
The answer is pretty obvious, I just don't see how this got past Ebert, the man who could probably get any subliminal message out of any movie. I personally believe the main reason that Bay chose Chicago was to fulfill his goal of creating the cinematic destruction of Mr. Ebert's hometown. It makes sense right? Ebert was very vocal of his hatred of many Bay movies. In response to his original review for Transformers 2, Ebert stated that Bay's film had "ruined action films forever". That's a pretty bold statement and although Bay apparently doesn't read the reviews, but being the most successful action director in America, it would probably be extremely easy to find out that America's most beloved film critic has called your movie the "Death of the Action Film".
I really hope my theory is true, because it would cement Transformers: Dark of the Moon as an artistic statement. The film where Michael Bay says to the world of Film Criticism, "Fuck you, I know what I'm doing."
Trippiest Moment: The falling building! Hold tight.
2. The Rock
Michael Bay's second feature film, The Rock is the one movie from this most controversial director that is widely considered to be a classic. Following a more somber (than typical) opening credits scene, the movie strides and it never lets up. The heroes don't even get on to Alcatraz until about an hour in, but you won't be bored, because there is zero downtime in The Rock.
The three leads are superb, Connery kicks more ass here than he did in his six James Bond movies, as former British Agent John Patrick Mason he's pretty much a spiritual cousin to 007. Even those who loathe Nicolas Cage, will appreciate the balance he has in his performance as Chemical Weapons Specialist Stanley Goodspeed (great names!). Connery and Cage work magic together, the chemistry between the two add even more playfulness. The chief villain, General Hummel played by Ed Harris is given depth and is surprisingly sympathetic.
There really isn't much more to say about The Rock that hasn't already been said countless times before, so I'll leave this entry with the films' most enduring line:
"Winners always whine about their 'Best'. Winners go home and Fuck the prom queen." - John Patrick Mason
Trippiest Moment: After dispatching a Marine with a ball of VX gas, Cage has to stab himself in the heart with a syringe filled with atropine to save his own life. (Pulp Fiction style!)
1. Pain & Gain
Pain & Gain is Bay's most thematically satisfying and well-rounded feature to date. Taking the true story of the 1994-95 Sun Gym Gang and their horrible (and idiotic) crimes, Bay has created a biting satire on consumerism and the American Dream. It's flashy, bizarre, funny, immature, exciting, repulsive, fast, touching, shocking, stupid, disturbing, and mostly true (creative liberties are taken though). Pain & Gain is the Miami-set tale of small-time criminal and body-builder Daniel Lugo and his chasing of the American Dream. For him and his two accomplices (played by Anthony Mackie and Dwayne Johnson) chasing such will require kidnapping, torture, extortion and murder.
There a too much quality to Michael Bay movies. His films are massive canvases of excess, and Pain & Gain feels like the culmination of all his cinematic excesses. A film about three knuckleheads trying to live a warped American Dream is perfect for Bay's aggressive filmmaking style. The satire is sharp and never becomes overbearing or pretentious, like Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers; a film that believed it was sharp satire, but was really just a movie sniffing its' own shit and getting really fucking high off it before throwing it at the audience over and over. The overblown-ness of it all is what makes the film so potent. It's really hard to write about this movie, because it's all in the presentation and it's still new. So check it out.
Trippiest Moment: Bay's signature 360 shot, is utilized beautifully in a gut-wrenching, quickly escalating scene that takes place in two separate rooms. Try listening to Gonna Make You Sweat after viewing this.
It's been four long years and I think I might know what went wrong. I couldn’t accept the undisciplined spectacle for what it was… Pure Fucking Insanity. It was just too much of everything; action, comic relief, LaBeouf-ness, random-ass what the fuck is that!? Space Bridges, Megan Fox running around the desert, those damn twins, robot balls, fucking robot heaven? It was just a huge overload. And the Pot Brownies that must have been laced with cocaine you can’t forget that.
In the years since its' release and after a few bowls of ganja, I look back with nostalgia and appreciate RoTF and its’ utter bat-shit gonzo-craziness. The whole film is so over the top and mind-numbing in its execution that it feels like a mescaline fueled journey from the mind of Hunter S. Thompson with acid-drenched robots: Where the Decepticon Roam, Fear and Loathing (and Blowing Shit Up) in Egypt? Tonally though this one’s all Bay, there’s no Spielberg hand holding the guy back. The Beard must have Space Bridged out of the development process, there's no ET-whimsiness here, this is less of a sequel to Transformers, and more of a younger equally immature cousin to Bad Boys II.
Apparently Spielberg proclaimed in a viewing for the film that it was, “Fucking Awesome!”. Whether you agree with that sentiment or not, understand that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is equal parts kick-ass, loud, stupid, explosive, colorful, annoying, offensive, sleek, shiny, trippy and its’ quite a trainwreck, but it’s made with absolute confidence and a "Fuck You, I do what I want!" swagger, and you just can’t ignore it as it destroys all reality around you.
Trippiest Moment: The whole thing is so fucking surreal, but I'll go with Robot Heaven. I remember sitting in the theater and the second Shia died, my brain was so fucked up from the preceding hours that I thought to myself "No fucking way, he's gonna go to some robot heaven shit and come back to life." In the context of the movie that made a lot of sense and it happened. Surreal and absurd, but unconventionally satisfying.
The plot is almost exactly identical to the original film, which in turn was exactly identical to every '80s buddy cop movie. What elevates this movie above its' predecessor though is the uncompromised vision that Bay has for this movie. Bay isn’t holding back whatsoever; gunfights,horrible deaths, drugs, foul-language, homophobia, general disregard for the human race there’s even… rat sex. I can’t believe I just typed that but it’s in this fucking movie. Bad Boys II kicks your ass relentlessly for 148 minutes, if you are feeling any sense of morality while watching this please "Woo-Sah" and kickback. If you can submit yourself to the testosterone-filled, cartoony, chaotic realm that is Bad Boys II, then you are in for quite a ride.
Trippiest Moment: The camera exotically dances around a neon-smurf tint Ecstasy nightclub, where all the ravers are having the sexiest time. Be lit when you watch this scene. Be very, very lit.
The stakes have never been bigger in any Bay movie. And the whole movie has a breathless visceral edge brought on by the breakneck pacing and editing (I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if the editor was on cocaine). The whole movie is shamelessly silly, but beautifully done. I fucking love this movie. I think this is the first of Bay’s movies that I saw in a theater and I might’ve cried, hell I probably shit myself. Armageddon is infamously in The Criterion Collection, with that Bay can go home and fuck the prom queen.
Trippiest Moment: The opening scene mentioned above. With Heston's voice and Bay's visuals, you know immediately that you're in for a ride.
But it's still a lot of fun and one of the few films on this list that could be considered a bit... charming, actually. There's a genuine sense of awe throughout, just watch the scene when Sam sees Bumblebee in his true form. It's a moment of true wonder that is worthy of the Best of Spielberg, but it was done by Michael Bay. Transformers was a huge success, the biggest one in Bay's career at that point. The success allowed Bay to do whatever he wanted with future sequels. He is at his most restrained here, and it (mostly) works well. Spielberg really let the dog off the leash.
Trippiest Moment: The Autobots arriving to earth, it's a beautifully shot sequence, and a random character that you never see again even makes a reference to Bay's own Armageddon. Surreal.
Every Bay Cliche is present, but "cranked up to 11". The comic relief is maximized, not only is Ken Jeong playing a crazy fuck in Sam's office, but Alan Tudyk is a kick-ass, gay manservant for the series' regular comic relief John Turturro, and John Malkovich plays Sam's awkward, bizarro boss, Bruce Brazos (the alliteration was not intended). The romantic subplot is even bigger, as underwear model Rosie Huntington-Whitely was cast as Sam's new love interest, who is here for one obvious reason (if you don't know why she's here, re-watch her first scene, if you still don't understand you have no dick) and she's decent enough and likable. The plot is more coherent than the second one, just as insane but more fun - The bots' were discovered on the moon-landing and kept hidden, there's more to it than that but I don't want to over-complicate things even more. The Action is among the finest that Bay has staged and it all culminates in the final hour in Chicago. There's no clear reason in the film why this final battle is in Chicago (the human bad guy lives there but that's it). Roger Ebert (him again?) of the Chicago-Sun Times questioned the location decision in yet another scathing review of Bay's work.
I really hope my theory is true, because it would cement Transformers: Dark of the Moon as an artistic statement. The film where Michael Bay says to the world of Film Criticism, "Fuck you, I know what I'm doing."
The three leads are superb, Connery kicks more ass here than he did in his six James Bond movies, as former British Agent John Patrick Mason he's pretty much a spiritual cousin to 007. Even those who loathe Nicolas Cage, will appreciate the balance he has in his performance as Chemical Weapons Specialist Stanley Goodspeed (great names!). Connery and Cage work magic together, the chemistry between the two add even more playfulness. The chief villain, General Hummel played by Ed Harris is given depth and is surprisingly sympathetic.
There really isn't much more to say about The Rock that hasn't already been said countless times before, so I'll leave this entry with the films' most enduring line:
There a too much quality to Michael Bay movies. His films are massive canvases of excess, and Pain & Gain feels like the culmination of all his cinematic excesses. A film about three knuckleheads trying to live a warped American Dream is perfect for Bay's aggressive filmmaking style. The satire is sharp and never becomes overbearing or pretentious, like Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers; a film that believed it was sharp satire, but was really just a movie sniffing its' own shit and getting really fucking high off it before throwing it at the audience over and over. The overblown-ness of it all is what makes the film so potent. It's really hard to write about this movie, because it's all in the presentation and it's still new. So check it out.
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